OH HELL NO F@#K THAT.

Fuck that is gross.  I fucking hate spiders to death.  I am so terrified of them, I will torch the baby jumping spiders on site.  Spiders have to be the most Goddamn disgusting things in the world.  All hairy and shit, with their eight legs and creepy eyeballs.  Crawling around defying the laws of gravity.

FUCKING EWWWWWWWW just thinking about them.  You ever watch a movie with something that is genuinely creepy to your soul and that little shiver thing happens?  Well every time I hear about spiders I get that feeling.  Could you imagine if they evolved into having wings?  FUCKING LIFE WOULD BE OVER.  Giant ass tarantulas  flying on your face biting you.  AHHHHHHHHH DAMN IT.  Fangs all juicy ready to deliver a kill shot to your leg.  MAN FUCK SPIDERS AND THE HORSE THEY RODE IN ON.

From Yahoo news-

A woman who went to China’s Changsha Central Hospital complaining of itching in the left side of her head was told by doctors that the source of irritation was a spider that had been living inside her ear canal for five days.

Doctors reportedly used a saline solution to flush out the spider in order to avoid having the spider burrow deeper inside the canal or bite her.

The flushing technique was successful and the woman reportedly wept with gratitude after being told the spider was removed. Doctors say they believe the spider entered the woman’s home while the home was undergoing renovations, and crawled into her ear while she was sleeping.

A report by CNN states that spiders and other bugs are appearing in greater numbers this summer due to warm weather and drought conditions across the U.S.

“All insects are cold-blooded, so in extreme heat they develop quicker, which results in more generations popping up now compared to previous summers,” Jim Fredericks, an entomologist and wildlife ecology expert with the National Pest Management Association, told the network.

I would be crying to if that shit happen to me.

Stereotypical stereotype stereotyping.

What’s that you say?  What does the above title mean? Well, I will tell you.

I fucking hate stereotypes. I spent most my days looking around pointing out, say  the redneck from Texas with the big truck or the black guy with 92 Impala with a sound system more expensive car.  How about the hipster who is to cool to look like he cares, but in reality it takes him 2 hours to get dress.  The Slipkont kid who has life so hard he wants to rage out, but he actually has an awesome mom with an awesome house.  The Hispanic from CALI rocking his LOCS and chucks, talking about when he was in a gang patrolling the streets for some “busters”.

The fucking list goes on and on and on.  It’s just the way it is.  Being in the military I have seen them all first hand.  And at first it drove me fucking crazy.  I was used to the people I grew up with.  The friends I chose and the things we did.  Then you throw yourself into a “anything goes, shut the fuck up you pussy” contract…….AND BAM Alaska, the last frontier is my first duty station.  Mind you I am from Florida.  See the disconnect here?  I was so fucking pissed.

I got there and my first roommate in the barracks, was Matt Murray.  A squinty eyed indian from Texas.  I was fucking pissed.  I am a pretty laid back guy.  I take that back.  I was a pretty laid back guy.  I expected a fire water drinking, country asshole.  I was fucking wrong again.  What I found was a pissed off, short, angry at the world dark-skinned republican.  Holy shit this guy had temper on him.   Literally calling me a fagat because I owned a Sony VAIO laptop and never hear of Counterstrike.  I learned to start hitting back verbally.  We would have days of just talking shit to each other. Me and him eventually became very good friends.  We have grown apart, but I still would do anything for him. Even though he is a piece of chewed of dog shit who drive a Toyota.

I learned the art of picking out the stereotypes from that asshole.  He could humiliate anyone.  I honestly think he could make a grown man cry just by abusing him with his angry man gestures through a sound proof window.

Needless to say, I picked up on this skill and used it to my advantage.  I could trash talk any asshole in the Army down to a toothpick.  I was great at it. Being able to stereotype people just by knowing they listened to Fall Out Boy, or the fact they “only buy Fords”.

Than one day I had a friend say to me something that never really donned on me.  ”Hey bro you realize you are a stereotype as well.”

And I was all like” Fuck you.  I’m no stereotype.”

And he graciously pointed out to me that I was indeed a stereotype.

These are my stereotype categories- I only buy small import cars.  I hate country and listen only to techno.  I refuse to eat at places like Panera Bread and Starbucks because they are ” Bullshit hipster dumpsters with overpriced products.”  I download movies because I don’t want to pay for them.  I only buy underground brand clothing” Because I hate mainstream clothes.”

I used to refuse to wear anything beside t-shirts and jeans because dressing business casual was for the tools imbedded in corporate America.

I came to realize I am a self hating , abuse other people because I can’t face the truth GRADE A DOUCHEBAG.

Holy shit this kind of sucked when it hit home.  At first I wanted to pretend it wasn’t true.  I thought to myself this is how I am and I have principles.  Than I realized I am a fucking complete and utter tool.  I like the things I like for a reason.  It’s ok to be a stereotype.  I feel like the whole idea of stereotypes is to give humans a way to socialize.  We are creatures who enjoy each others company.  We need a way to find other who have similar interest.  Eventually we turned “stereotyping” into a bad thing.  I definitely see the good in it.  You should to.

What I didn’t like about myself was not liking something, trying it out and finding out I liked it.  Me being me, I refused to like anything I despised out loud two days ago for others to hear.  FUCK THAT.  I can’t back pedal on liking country.  Not after all the shit I talked about others.

Damn I was stupid.  I have come to terms that humans taste change and evolve.  If we are smart enough we will embrace these changes instead being a stubborn ass and trying to stay the same our entire life.  That’s just fucking boring.

Just live your life, embrace changes and try not be a stereotyping stereotypical asshole.  You’ll live a better life.

P.S. Now I love to going to Starbucks.  God I feel like a douche for all the years I missed out on that sweet black gold.

Delayed Humpday Report

Holy fucking penguin shit BATMAN!

Do you ever just have one of those weeks where you feel good about it in the beginning, but quickly the universe pulls a 180 on your optimistic ass.  I’ll be honest I probably deserved it for some shit I have done in the past.  I just wish I could remember it so as to have something to understand why in the fuck my week is going so fucking shitty.

Here’s a round up of my life sine my last post.

I watched Batman. And yes it as good as the last one.  Fucking BANE was a beast.  I know for a fact every dude in the theater was thinking to themselves ” How in the hell do I get BANE swole?”  The action sequences were pretty damn awesome in my opinion.   I came from the movie realizing the Commissioner Gordan is the most hardcore, gangster, unstoppable dude in the whole series.  That dude never wavered and kept a lid on his Batman connection.  That dude faked his death, fought all the gangsters and jumped on a moving truck loaded with a nuclear bomb.  Holy SHIT!  The commish gets my badass of the decade award.  He honestly was the unsung hero of the movie.

This is where I thought my week was going to be awesome.  OHHHHHHH, how wrong I was.

It hit triple digits again this week.  Why I thought Kansas would be cooler than Florida is beyond me.  It most definitely is the anus of Satan after he ate Chipotle.  I had to get up early every day of the week, early for me is 430 in the A.M.

If that wasn’t bad enough I got into a car accident this week.  Mega fucking LAME.  Why in the fuck do I get the ticket when the dude pulled into my car?  Because Kansas is bum-fuck backwards, that’s why.  Apparently it’s Kansas law if you are reversing and someone hits you, it’s still your fault.  When I asked what I did to get the ticket, I was told improperly backing.  How so?  I asked the cop, and the statement verbatim ” because you were reversing in a parking lot.”  REALLY?  What in the hell?  So shouldn’t I be ticketed every time I reverse in parking lot?  I swear man, sometimes I just want to atomic elbow a cop right into a pit of rotting cow carcases.  Oh well, I guess……FUUUUCCCCCCCKKKK

Then I go to the doctor for my inured shoulder.  I didn’t think it would be that bad.  I was dead wrong again. 6 weeks in a sling and nine months for a full recovery.  Thanks, but no thanks.  I’ll keep on trucking.  And you know why I’m not going to do the surgery. Because there is a 40% chance it won’t work. FUCK YOU very much kind sir.  I’ll stick with the current pain and do without the needless bullshit.  I got enough of that on my plate already.

Than I get a call from my wife.  My mom just got into a motorcycle accident.  My mom is my life and when I heard this I freaked out.  All I could think was I told her not to get that motorcycle.  Why couldn’t her midlife crisis activity be knitting or collecting porcelain angels?  NOOOOO. My mom has to get into motorcycles.  Stubborn old woman still has a back up motorcycle.  She is ok, just a really bad ankle sprain.  I am really glad she is fine.  I would freak out if I lost her.  She is the greatest person I have had the pleasure of knowing in my life.( I won’t tell her that, her ego is to big)  I don’t believe in any religion, I do believe that my mom had either really good karma or really bad karma that day.  The universe has a way of giving you reality a check on just how fragile your life really is.

I am going to post the other things I have had the pleasure of seeing this week later on, but the universe is keeping me busy.